King Charles will have to get used to ‘Uppa’ – children’s nicknames for grandparents stick

You can try as hard as you like to choose your own name, but a name bestowed by a grandchild invariably wins in the end

Deference to His Majesty is not forthcoming from his stepson’s children. The brilliant food writer Tom Parker-Bowles revealed this week that his children call the King ‘Uppa’. Little people don’t, of course, stand on ceremony and, adds TP-B, for “the first 10, 12 years of their life, they didn’t know any different. They thought of him as the most kind, funny, sweet, step-grandfather.” Which is as one might hope it would be. 
For children are the great levellers, the prickers of pomposity. You can let it be known that you are Grandpa, Grandfather or, indeed, Your Majesty and the Grandchildren will take it upon themselves to call you whatever comes into their heads.
My wife’s mother, for example, was quite prepared to be ‘Granny’ and signed that as her name on the gift cards of every Christmas and birthday present. And then our eldest decided, seemingly completely at random one day aged three, that he would call her ‘Dodo’. We have racked our brains at what word association or sound might have helped cause this name to come forth but are at a loss.
But he decided that that was her name and so that’s what our youngest also calls her and now it’s spread to the little first cousins.
It’s a unique badge of honour: a name bestowed by a tiny person, issued with as much authority as a Presidential executive order. And it will forever bond them in their relationship with her.
Similarly, my eldest daughter at a similar age, having spent the morning with her granny picking apples, decided her name was Apple. The name immediately stuck and its earthy simplicity was apt for a woman of unfailing care and kindness. And we all felt a bit smug when, in May 2004, Chris Martin and Gwyneth Paltrow announced the name of their newborn baby girl was Apple. As the media pondered upon and dissected this new and trendy name, we all felt very ahead of the curve. And all because a little four-year-old had come up with the idea and set it in stone.
But while you may be Grumps, Grumpy, G-Pa, Poppy or Pops or Grammy, Gamma or G-Ma, but never, God forbid, Nana or Nan, some grandparents do indeed dictate and maintain control. My grandfather, Sacheverell, was Sachie (pronounced Sashee) to all friends, relatives and grandchildren. And my mother is Grandma. Full stop. You can try all the names you could conjure at her but it’s Grandma. She won’t answer to anything else, that’s how she signs her cards to the grandchildren. And, any misbehaving, and we’ll tell Grandma…